Rawness

One thing i really miss about my previous blog was my rawness, how i was able to really come clean and just be factual (and hopefully tactful) and pour my emotional soul out into this webpage of my life. So nope don't expect it to stop there because i've decided that this would probably be like my pictorial journal, so basically like my actual journal, but with actual photos in it cause ain't nobody got time to get hardcopies of precious photos.

(Also, am typing this at 2 in the morning, let's see if this ever gets posted ever hm)

This period is there period whereby people start getting calls and emails from universities, being offered a place in whichever prestigious university it is. Many of my friends have been called up for interviews, some even the day right after they submitted their application. Every day, i go to work and i turn on my computer, with my application status being the first thing that i check on the various websites of the respective universities. I've been checking for the past week or so, and the response hasn't changed. My application was still being gone through. Or so they say. I tried convincing myself that you know, i submitted my application rather late, they probably have yet to reach my application. But there's always that thought that comes back, telling me that i didn't get that call because my grades didn't make the mark, telling me that i didn't get that email because i'm not as good as everyone else. If anything, i absolutely detest being compared to. I'm my own individual human. Why do you compare me to him? To her? But hey, how ironic is it that i'm doing this to myself. Obviously, it's really upsetting knowing that everyone else seems to be receiving offers, that people are going overseas to study in amazing universities. And here I am, still in Singapore, living the (temporary) full time working life of a finance admin. 

I think the worst of this entire situation would be that i don't know what i want, that i don't know what i like, that i don't really have a passion for anything. People tell me to think about it, mull it over, reflect. And trust me, i have. I spend so much time thinking about what i want, about what i am good at, about what i like to do, what i see myself doing in the future. But nothing. Nothing comes up. T told me that i should stop talking to so many people about it if it confuses me (which it does), and talk to God instead, ask Him to lead me, to lead me to make the correct decisions. Where do i feel the peace? They ask. I don't know. Is this peace? Does this peace i feel with PO mean that i should go for D Rad? But what about my work contract? What do i tell people if they ask what or where i study? What do i do when i have to take more than an hour to travel to school? What about this, what about that? I'm supposed to be a warrior, not a worrier. What's going on? I'm supposed to be doing amazing. I'm supposed to get my breakthrough, i'm supposed to be the head and not the tail. So where are all these? I'm holding on so tightly to Your promises all day but it's so frustrating to see nothing happening. I know, i know maybe this is not it, that it's coming soon, that i just have to hold on a little longer, hang on a little tighter. It'll come soon beloved, just wait on Me. I know, i know. But it's so hard, it's so hard to have to pretend like it's fine seeing that the only emails i receive come from blog-shop subscriptions that change my outlook from "outlook" to "outlook (1)", resulting in me unsubscribing. It's so hard to have to congratulate people when they receive offers from universities and be truly happy for them and not even feel a tinge of jealousy. It's so hard to have the strength to go on day by day knowing that every day, someone out there is getting an offer. 

But You say to me, take heart My daughter. Wait on Me. For i have plans for you, plans that will make you prosper, plans to give you a hope, and a future. Let it go, young one. Leave it to Me. I will make you the head and not the tail. Continue clinging on to My promises. I will never fail you. I am the one who will always be faithful even when you are faithless. I have never forsaken you, so why would I now? I know the best for you, i know what you need. Wait on Me, for My timing is always perfect. Trust Me. You, My dear, are made to be extraordinary. 

Thank You Lord .